Resentment in Motherhood
By Charlotte Mindel, Somatic Therapist for Women & Mothers
“Anger is useful, resentment can be crippling, and healing is possible. ”
Feeling anger or resentment in early motherhood is common, and it’s important for me to share from the offset that anger is a natural, healthy emotion. In fact, anger is often present because it is giving us information about where our boundaries lie, what we need, or what might not feel okay with our situation.
Resentment is slightly different to momentary anger, in as much as it often festers, and may be something we ruminate on, or repeat the story of time and time again in our minds.
These are some thought examples for how resentment might show up when it is present for a mother:
“Why am I the one always thinking about what the baby needs?”
“Why am I the one lying here waiting for my toddler to fall asleep while they [other parent] get to do what they want with their evening?”
“Why has this mess been left here again?”
These questions might be coupled with other thoughts such as,
I’m not being thought about, I’m not being supported, or why do I find myself in this situation over and over again?
The Lens of Resentment
There tends to be an overarching sense of being wronged when resentment shows up. That something is being done to us and we are suffering as a result.
Resentment can be not only uncomfortable for a mother to experience, but lead to conflict or disconnect in relationships. It also tends to spill out into other areas of life, almost as though we are looking through a lens of resentment and feel as though there is something universally against us.
In motherhood, there are two core reasons resentment might be present:
You are not adequately supported, and are becoming depleted of your resources.
You have unmet needs that you may not be aware of, or you are aware of but you are blocked in being able to meet those needs.
As a somatic therapist, I am always curious about how our current experience could be related to memory stored in the body. When it comes to resentment, there is almost always a historic element contributing to the current experience.
The experience of the body, while highly intelligent, cannot differentiate between external experiences. What I mean by that is the body does not know the difference between stress caused by your baby crying just as you sit down to relax for a moment, and the stress of a lion walking into the room. Stress is stress and the body will respond to the level of threat or violation you experience rather than the direct circumstances.
Keeping that in mind, if there has been a time in your life where you have felt unsupported and that was threatening or stressful for you, for example you were a child, or something big was happening in your life, you may carry unresolved anger from that experience. Now, you’re a mother and find yourself in a similarly powerless, unsupported situation, and the unresolved anger becomes activated - actually as a means of trying to resolve itself and complete the incomplete cycle from the past. Resentment tends to develop when we experience both this unresolved anger, and hold a sense of injustice about what we experienced.
Most of us are, understandably, unaware of this, and relate the emotional experience to the present scenario. We can be left feeling like there’s something wrong with our relationship, or the way we’re mothering, or the support we have. These things may definitely need to be looked at if you are constantly feeling unsupported, however it may be the experience of the present is feeling harder than the reality because of historically activated wounds. This is also why it can often feel impossible to calm down, or regulate once you are feeling anger or resentment, particularly if you are under-resourced at that moment, even if rationally you can see that the situation is not a big deal, or not one worth feeling so wound up by.
If you’re relating to this experience, what can you do about it:
Seek support; my bias is toward somatic therapy which works with the innate healing intelligence of the body, to resolve trauma, and support the reintegration of stuck energy. Of course there are a range of therapeutic support options which may be right for you, and making a few inquiries to different practitioners would always be my recommendation.
Become curious; this can be challenging for anyone having a big emotional or bodily experience, including those feeling overwhelmed or burnt out. However, if you feel able to, next time you feel resentment rising see what it’s like to take the stance of an observer. Observe the thoughts, take a deep breath down into your body and notice what is happening in your body. If at any point it feels too much, find your safety - look around the room, and give yourself some pats or squeezes.
Take stock of your support; sometimes it requires a whole lot of courage to ask for support, but in doing so your whole experience can change. Have a look at what you’re taking on that you don’t need to be, and get creative about what support might look like in your life. This could be as simple as getting your online grocery delivery on the weekend if it means there’s another pair of hands to help with that.
By Charlotte Mindel, Somatic Therapist for Women & Mothers