How to talk to your partner about your mental health

Do you ever keep your feelings or struggles around your mental health to yourself? Are you hiding  feeling anxious and/or depressed even from your loved ones?

You might really want to talk to your partner about this, but maybe you just don’t know where to start?

Talking about our mental health can be really, really hard. Even with those we feel most comfortable and safe. Maybe you didn’t have a good model of how to do this when you were growing up, maybe you’re worried they will see you differently, or maybe you don’t like to admit you’re struggling to anyone and are used to putting on a ‘brave face’. Whatever the reason, it’s common to feel a bit nervous about bringing up mental health with our loved ones.

 Here are our therapist approved tips on how to start the conversation:

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.”

— Ann Voskamp

If shame is holding you back from opening up, I get it, but let me assure you that when we share our shame with others, we start to feel less alone. That shared connection also helps us feel more able to tackle our struggles. If we feel like someone has our back, it can give us the strength to tackle the issues we are wanting to change.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If we don’t tell others what we need, we’re not giving them the opportunity to help us in the ways that are most important for us. Starting these conversations is your gateway to getting practical support.

For example, your partner may think that taking the baby out so you can clean the house is helpful but what you really need is your partner to do that while you have undistracted time with your little one. Without opening the conversation and telling them what you actually need, they won’t know and you don’t get the support you want.

Setting the scene

Pick the right time and place.

If you’ve made the decision to open up, you might want to be in a comfortable and private setting – so your in-laws house or the supermarket carpark might not really be the best place for this.

It’s also not ideal to have a deep, meaningful conversation when either of you are stressed or in the middle of something important… so if you can, pick a quiet, relaxed space and be sure you both have the time and energy available. And if you’re unsure if the time is right, just ask 

BUT equally if this is something you just need to get out, right there and then, you don’t have to wait for a perfect time to have a difficult conversation. Keeping it for the ‘right’ time might turn into an excuse to avoid ever having the conversation.

Avoid distractions.

Baby’s needs will always come first and they have an uncanny way of knowing the worst possible time to have a meltdown or an explosive nappy situation. So maybe try talking when they are napping or after bedtime.

We’re also all pretty glued to our screens these days. But, again, you deserve 100% of your partner’s attention in these conversations so make sure the tv is paused and the phone is down.

Be clear in expressing what you want and need.

Do you want solutions to problems, or do you just need someone to listen? Often, the other person will jump into problem-solving mode when sometimes we just need someone to hear us without intervening.

So If you’re not looking for solutions and just need an ear to listen, tell them that. Let them know that just listening and letting you talk is what you need right now.

Sometimes you might not get the response you were after but please know this isn’t a reflection on you, people can get it wrong when in these situations. Explain that this was hard for you and maybe agree to discuss it again after you have both had time to let it settle.

Here’s some conversation tips to start you off…

 GET STARTED

 I need to talk to you about something that feels hard. Is now an OK time?

Can I talk to you about something important please? I’ve not been feeling right for a while now…

I know we both have a lot going on, so thanks for sitting down with me.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS

 I’ve been struggling with my feelings lately/I’m not feeling like myself/ I’ve felt xxx a lot.

I’m not really sure what’s going on, Can you listen to what I’m going through?

ASKFOR HELP

I think I need some extra help and support with xxx/ Can you help me more with xxx?

I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it more right now, but can we maybe plan having some more time together again soon?

I think I need some outside support, will you help me look into this/have baby while I go to the GP to talk about options?

YOU CAN DO THIS.

I know it can feel it really hard and even a bit scary to be vulnerable like this, but don’t let that stop you from getting the support you need.

If you would like more advice on this, head over to our ask the expert page and if you are ready to get some support check out our support options here.