Why Am I So Angry in Postpartum and What Can I Do About It?
By Claire Judd, Postnatal Therapist
You’ve had a baby and you expected to feel overjoyed, happy and no doubt tired, but probably not angry. You feel it bubbling away under the surface and all of a sudden something tips you over and you’re shouting or screaming or feel like throwing something.
And then you feel awful and the guilt hits, you shouted at your baby or your partner and who does that? Who shouts at a baby?
And then your thoughts spiral…
“Maybe I’m not cut out for this”
“My baby deserves better”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I the only one who can’t cope?”
What if I told you that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one who ‘can’t cope’. That so many mums go through this it’s just not talked about much.
This blog takes you through why we experience anger in postpartum and what we can do to reduce it. It’s not something that is inherent within you, it’s not that you can’t cope, it’s not your fault and it can change.
Where does the anger come from?
There is no one cause for the anger or rage you’re experiencing. It’s the result of a multitude of events or circumstances and it will be slightly different for each new mum. Here’s a few reasons that might resonate:
1. Society paints an idealised picture of postpartum
Who hasn’t seen an array of perfect images on social media?! From a depiction of that perfect bubble in the first few weeks, to chilled coffee dates, time spent carefully folding baby clothes in a picture perfect nursery, idyllic strolls with baby in the pram…you get the idea.
And what is it actually like? Well, it’s hard, really really HARD. Your body feels like it’s been run over by a bus, and depending on your birth experience maybe you also feel like you’ve been hacked at, babies sleep all the time but not when you need them to (like, you know, at night). Then there’s all the other stuff like suddenly trying to navigate your relationship with your partner when there’s a third wheel who needs you around the clock and the feelings of inadequacy and frustration when you’re not ‘enjoying every moment’. All of this can fuel feelings of stress, frustration and anger…at yourself, your baby, your partner and society.
2. How you’ve been raised as a girl
Before we go further, this isn’t parent bashing, it’s a societal issue that affects how we were parented, educated and treated from a young age. As women we are generally raised to be carers. We’re taught to be responsible, quiet and do the right thing by everyone else. Were you ever sat next to a boy at school because you’d be a good influence? Or perhaps you heard ‘you’re so grown up and mature for your age’. It’s dressed as a compliment but actually it’s keeping us in our place - responsible and looking out for others. So when we reach postpartum we’re already used to doing everything, keeping our heads down and getting on with things, ignoring our needs in favour of the needs of others.
In postpartum this might look like having visitors when we don’t want them, taking sole responsibility for night time wakings because your partner is working, not going to the toilet when you need to because your baby needs you, asking your partner if it’s okay if you shower, not seeking or accepting help from people who offer it, telling people you’re fine when you actually feel like you’re falling apart. This puts you at the bottom of the needs pile, and when your needs aren’t met anger can rise up. The anger is telling you something needs to change, that this isn’t fair and it’s not working for you. It’s giving you energy to make the changes you need to.
3. Feeling like you’re the only one
It’s understandable you feel like it’s just you, that you’re failing because everyone else seems to cope, because it’s a small minority of people who share their true experiences warts and all. And even out of those who share that they’re having a hard time, not many will admit to anger. We’re taught anger is a shameful emotion, it was likely met with disapproval or punishment as a child which means we automatically suppress it when it arises. That’s why it seemingly comes from nowhere and we explode. We’ve pushed it down for so long that it can no longer be contained.
There are so many reasons why we might feel angry. These above are just some that often arise in therapy sessions.
What can we do to reduce postpartum anger?
It doesn’t need to be a total change of all you do, all at once. That makes things hard and we don’t need that in postpartum. Reducing anger also takes time which we need to be aware of because chances are we’ll automatically beat ourselves up when we don’t see a shift straight away.
Here are the things that make a difference.
1. Let that energy out
Anger is an amazing emotion because it provides us with so much energy, however when we push that down, try to ignore it and contain it, it leads to powerful explosions. So let’s start by letting that energy out. What do you like to do? Dance around the kitchen, grab a wooden spoon and beat a pillow, go for a run or power walk, take a class…karate, self defence, dance, circus skills…anything that uses the power in your body. Don’t wait until you’re feeling angry, do this regularly. Note there are things here you can do if you’re not physically able to do the more active things, birth recovery takes time physically too so do what is right for you.
2. Find time for you so you can meet you needs
I know, this is hard and it’s always one of the hardest changes to make because we have to overcome all of that teaching and conditioning that we looked at in the first section.
Identify what is blocking you from time for you (other than your baby):
- A sheer lack of support - This is really tough because we’re not meant to raise a child alone, we’re meant to have a village by our side and gosh I feel for you. In this case, try and do activities you like while you’re with your baby, you don’t have to do baby stuff (unless you love it), they will be just as stimulated watching you sing your heart out in a karaoke room or visiting somewhere you’ve always wanted to go as they would be in a baby group. Slowly build your village, having a playdate with a parent who gets it is a game changer (and think of the playdates when they’re older and can go solo!).
- You have a partner, friends or family but can’t seem to ask for help. Start small, step outside your comfort zone. Talk to the person you trust the most and ask them to watch your baby while you go for a walk around the block. Keep it small, get used to it and build it up. If they have offered help in the past but you’ve turned it down, it’s okay to change your mind.
- You’re conscious of how hard your husband works and don’t want to put more on him. Okay, this is a biggy and very common. Whether you’re at home with your baby on maternity leave or after, working part time or full time. You work too, it’s just not paid. Raising a baby is work, you are shaping a child’s life, raising the future generation who are going to shape the world, the economy…everything. That. is. work. Let’s also keep in mind that your partner goes to work and gets to have actual full conversations with other adults, a lunch break, time to themselves and you don’t. Your partner is just as responsible for your baby as you are. You are both parents.
If you’re thinking ‘ I don’t even know what I need if I did get time for me’, I have a great free guide that is focused on discovering just this, so you can break free from survival mode. I’ll pop a link at the end of the blog but for now think about these areas; do you need connection, alone time, movement, purpose, fun?
3. If you have a partner, communicate and share the load
Schedule in a time to sit with your partner and talk about how things are for you. When communicating comes from an ‘I feel…’ perspective rather than a ‘you don’t do enough’ one, they’re far less likely to feel defensive about how you feel than if they’re told what they’re doing wrong. Remember, just like we’ve been conditioned to do all the caring, they’ve been conditioned not to and that’s hard to shift. They can take responsibility for that shift though, just as you are doing by reading this.
Together, draw up a timetable of the week, plan out where they get their time and you get yours, who does bedtime which night, who is cooking dinner and tidying the house. No one is going to like getting more work to do, but you are important too, you’re working too and your anger is telling you something needs to shift.
4. Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel ‘less than’
We get shown more of what we view on social media so take control of what you see. Delete those accounts that depict a picture perfect life and follow those who tell it like it is, those that give you encouragement, compassion and support.
5. Discover self-compassion
No human is perfect, perfect doesn’t exist. There will always be triggers for our anger, people competing for a piece of us. If anger does rise it’s important to not beat ourselves up for it. Imagine a friend getting upset and angry about something. We wouldn’t respond by telling them they’ve failed, that they’re rubbish at being a mum because of it. We’re far more likely to support them, to tell them it’s okay, that maybe they need support and ask them what they need. We need to talk to ourselves like this too.
We are all unique in our journey and some of these may resonate and feel more applicable to you than others. Take your time, choose one thing to start with and see how it feels. There are other things I haven’t mentioned here - mindfulness, therapy, awareness of the impact of caffeine and alcohol - a blog simply can’t cover everything.
If you do feel you need more support, maybe some of these things feel really too big or too hard to shift, then Your Mamahood has some fabulous therapists who can help, many of whom do what they do because they’ve been there.
You can find me as Claire Judd on the Your Mamahood Directory, on instagram at @thepostnatalcounsellor.
My free guide ‘Break Free from Survival Mode’ can be found on my website: www.clairejudd.co.uk.
You’re not alone and you are so worth the time and support you need.
Take care,
Claire
By Claire Judd, Postnatal Counsellor working in Harrogate & online.
